I don't want to be your friend

On December 31st, 2011 the average user had about 234 friends on Facebook. Ever wondered how you (that is, if you consider yourself the average user) managed to keep up with these relationships?


Well. You cannot.
At least, not when all these would be real friends.

You are a friend-too-much

It seems our brain has a limited amount of friends it can handle. Beyond this the brain is not able to handle the cognitive load. 

How much it is? About 150.

The actual amount of possible friends ranges between 100 and 230, according to Robin Dunbar, who once proposed the number. We can hold onto about 150 relationships in which you know who the other is, and how each one relates to every other one. When the group grows larger, the rules and norms get too large for your brain to engage in the process and faces become no more than a blur.

Who were you anyway?

Befriending the tribe

Duncan's number didn't come without any foundation. The number was based on literature from anthropological and ethnographic studies, which noted people from earlier societies (our hunters and gatherers) and those still living in nature-based tribes usually resemble groups of around 150 individuals.

This number would be the mean size for a group to stay close together and be interpersonally related. Whenever the group grows larger, people will meet less often and be more physically and mentally apart. Like you see when you come into a city. The numbers are getting too large, so you just walk past one and the other without knowing there names. While in a village "like knows like".

Friends with benefits

It is not only our brain forcing the limit. Also, evolution plays its part.We really need these amounts of people. Humans, as social beings, need a group to keep safe and survive dangerous circumstances. Obviously life has changed "a little" since the age we all lived in small tribes and communities, but once we needed the surrounding group to deal with everyday environmental pressures. What to do when the vulcano errupted and all houses were washed away with the stream of lava? You helped each other to rebuild the village. What to do when you were attacked by wild cats or bears? You stood together and defended the others of your group.

However, don't be naive and assume times have changed enough for the norms to have changed. Still we need our friends, if not only for social bonding. We need a surrounding group for our economic needs, such as access to food and a home, and protection (e.g. your mom taking care of you when you are ill).

Digital friendships

As the "upcoming" social media is partly controlling our lives, I wonder if Duncan's number should be reconsidered. Easily we are able to update ourselves when it comes to each other's life. With several quick glances and in just some minutes we know what all our friends have been doing, are up to and to whom they are related. Our brain could just take a quick nap in the meantime, as there is no need to memorize all of it.

Or is our brain still able to keep track with just 150 of these, and neglect the surplus? Maybe that is the reason we at a certain time start to wonder why we still try to keep updated about your mother's friend's daughter. A study actually confirmed the number relevant for social networks online.

So, don't take it personally when you are defriended. It is probably just because your "friend"'s brain could no longer handle the load.